Tips for dealing with narcissistic personalities.
By Rev. Dr. Bob Hunter
When I was in junior high school, my seventh grade science teacher taught an effective lesson on the solar system using an actual planetary model. When she turned the crank, the solar system rotated. The sun stayed in the center and the planets orbited accordingly. The complex concept of heliocentrism was perfectly illustrated. It was, and still is, a brilliant visual. Last year, I found one of those old planetary models sitting on a shelf covered in dust in a public school closet. I was granted permission to use it for a different kind of lesson. I placed a label on the sun that read “narcissist” and labeled “everyone else” on planet earth. For adult teaching purposes, I turned the crank and the solar system rotated with the narcissist remaining at the center and everyone else orbiting around them. That’s narcissism in a nutshell.
How does narcissism work its way out in real life? More specifically, how does it find its way into the church?
Bethany is a strong personality and has serving gifts, but she’s always struggled to maintain relationships. She was assigned to the hospitality center of her local church. She was dependable and organized in performing her tasks. She had donuts and coffee available for every service. The hospitality center made a nice impression on guests and Bethany excelled. There was only one problem. Bethany’s need for affirmation became a headache for the senior pastor. He failed to meet her expectations; she did not receive “enough” praise, recognition, or status as a leader. Bethany made it seem as though hospitality were the single most important job in the church. She was the sun in the solar system. Everything else needed to orbit around her as the star.
Like the solar system, most family systems have a star who demands everyone else revolve around them. Whether in the family or other systems, it’s not a question of “if” you will encounter a narcissist, it’s a question of when. The real issue is figuring out what to do with the narcissist. Bear in mind, there are degrees of narcissism. For the sake of conversation, let’s identify three degrees: mild, medium, and hot! Dealing with a scorching hot narcissist requires professional help. But to deal with mild to medium narcissism, you might find one or more of the following strategies helpful. If nothing else, this will initiate a conversation where additional questions can surface with the possibility of better solutions.
Don’t call a narcissist a narcissist. Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis, and the pop psychology appropriation of the term could be misunderstood and harmful. Use it as a framework for your own understanding of behavior within a given system. In the past, Christians used different language such as unregenerate, carnal, and spiritually immature. None of these adequately deal with the problem and neither will a newer designation like narcissism. Since we are not clinical professionals, we should not publicly assign a label to an individual. Moreover, it will just make someone suffering from narcissism even more difficult to deal with as they feel threatened. Best advice, use the narcissistic designation carefully. My paper sets out to do that.
Set firm boundaries and keep them. A narcissist will typically get angry when limitations of any kind are placed on them. Why? Because personal boundaries expose their selfish behavioral patterns and motives. The last thing a narcissist wants is to be exposed. A narcissist thrives among people without boundaries who are easily manipulated. Don’t be surprised, if the narcissist attempts to cancel the friendship and remove you from their social circle if you impose limits. This reduces the risk of someone blowing their cover. Let them walk if they choose. They are not the center of your universe.
Refuse to be a narcissist’s supplier. In order for narcissism to thrive, a life-source is needed. Narcissistic depletion is dangerous because the narcissist shifts into overdrive. A narcissist essentially looks for a host; someone with whom they can engage in a parasitic type of relationship. They depend on others for affirmation, attention, esteem, material resources, and other sources of nourishment. They are, by nature, consumers of the worst kind because they deplete others for their own sake without giving back. Good reason to make sure they do not take from you that which is not theirs to have. Eliminating supply forces them to be accountable in getting their needs met in appropriate ways without exploiting others. Unchecked narcissism emboldens resulting in more victims which we want to avoid. I’m sure there are more nuanced and complex ways to get at this, but eliminating the source is a 101 level strategy. Sound like you are dealing with a toddler? You are! A narcissist wants the privileges of a king, with the accountability of a toddler.
Stay grounded in reality and remain in God’s truth. A narcissist creates a false version of reality and includes you to prop up their story. If your story differs, clearly you are wrong in their world. To maintain this false version of reality, they create scenarios in their mind that never occurred and report them to others as material fact. And those lies can be quite convincing, I might add! Embellishments and exaggerations are mechanisms of self-protection. Simply put, narcissists project their own fantasies on others thus making it important to stay grounded. Don’t get sucked into the narcissist’s lies or give over your own perceptions in favor of what does not ring true. Surround yourself with people who are not suffering from a hyper-idealized vision of themselves. Find people grounded in the truth and committed to seeing themselves and others in realistic terms. Of course, when truth enlightens and the narcissist’s world comes unraveled, expect the fallout of crumbling fantasy to be painful for the narcissist—and possibly for you, too!
Under no circumstances should you argue with a narcissist. Self-delusion undermines rational thinking. Narcissists maintain their own version of truth to fortress their facade. All your attempts to reason are likely to be used against you, so don’t provide ammunition. An argument with a narcissist never ends well because they do most of the talking. Their strategy is to wear you down until you break. The best advice is to refuse the argument in the first place. A narcissist has all kinds of arguments going on in their head that are well rehearsed and ready to roll out, so be careful! If you say too much, they will twist your words in an attempt to play the victim and get sympathy from other people. This does neither of you any good.
Move forward without the narcissistic burden. Let’s go back to Bethany. In her mind, the church’s hospitality will never be the same without her. She wants you to call her and beg her to come back, because clearly the church’s guests have never had better treatment. And Bethany may be right. But the burden of her service is greater than the service itself. As you learn not to be caught up in narcissistic demands, you open the opportunities to allow others to develop their gifts of service. The church does not belong to its Bethanys demanding star status. Jesus taught the upside-down value of becoming the least. He modeled the virtue of true humility, not of serving as a pathway to being served. While the narcissist would like you to think you will be nothing without them, a Christian servant realizes God will build the church with or without them.
In conclusion, a narcissist leaves a wake of destruction in their path without ever accepting responsibility. Be on the lookout for victims. Their hurt is real and people need healing from narcissistic abuse. Equipped with a better understanding of narcissistic behavior and its affects, you can be a healing presence in victims’ lives by providing a safe place and listening ear. Remember how it felt to be bullied in grade school? It’s the same kind of thing in adulthood, only with more damaging results. Victims of narcissistic abuse need support, recovery, prayer, and wise counsel. They can recover, but not alone, especially if a red-hot narcissist has been enabled to thrive. Professional help is advised.
Untold damage is done when we fail to confront and deal with narcissistic behaviors. Remember the story of Eli’s sons in the Old Testament? Eli turned a blind eye to his son’s behaviors allowing them to continue abusing while serving in a priestly role. The outcome was tragic for Eli and the entire house of Israel. Eli could have stopped it, but he didn’t. When we fail to address the narcissistic behaviors of a family member or church member, we risk similar outcomes. People will be hurt and spiritual vitality will suffer. The first step to healing is honest assessment of the cost of allowing a narcissistic spirit to take root.
Final thoughts: I realize this article may stir controversy over whether or not narcissism as a label is useful and appropriate in many instances. This writer recognizes the complex layers of thought and analysis this subject may require. And the nagging question many of us have is whether a narcissist is redeemable. I do believe redemption is possible with the right degree of willingness, accountability, and Christian instruction. Perhaps we are all mild narcissists desperately in need of cruciform living. However, there are some among us that come like wolves in sheep's clothing. They disguise themselves as saints, they posture themselves as righteous doers; but underneath the facade, there is a lack of concern for anyone other than themselves. We must be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. I hope this article has helped you wrestle with just that.