Drowning in Expectations
Eminem’s 2017 album Revival opens with the song Walk on Water. This is a song of self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and the weight of criticism. The soulful hook of the song is sung by Beyonce and that hook has been on repeat in my mind this past week. Especially the final refrain:
I walk on water But I ain’t no Jesus I walk on water But only when it freezes ‘Cause I’m only human, just like you
I’ve been making my mistakes, oh if you only knew I don’t think you should believe in me the way that you do ‘Cause I’m terrified to let you down, oh If I walked on water, I would drown
(Marshall Mathers, Beyonce Gisselle Knowles, Holly B. Hafermann)
For those of us who are clergy, imposter syndrome and the feelings of not being enough are a constant danger. As a technologist, I get a double dose of imposter syndrome. I believe the vast majority of clergy feel the terror of letting people down. There are exceptions among those who are narcissists, power hungry, or otherwise outside the typical clergy person. Based on my own feelings, I cannot imagine the added weight my sisters in clergy feel or those who are people of color, neurodivergent, abused, or even broken.
If the weight of the human beings we serve in our local contexts was not enough, often leaders place burdens upon clergy that drag us under water. I believe there are burdens that are both intentional and unintentional. I get it; our denominational structures strain at the current reality of Christianity in the West. But the solutions are often birthed in a past that had its own problems. Maybe the fact that many in my denomination look like me (middle-aged white dudes) compounds the problem. We came of age in an era of clergy expectations that included a specific work ethic. That ethic was unreasonable in the past and even more so now because we know better. But our enculturation tells us that more effort and more programs are the answer. Any perceived lack of effort is turned into an assumption of lack of caring.
Expectations breed their own silent pain. Because when those expectations come with language steeped in shame, how can we respond? Pushback gets reflected as negativity. Pleas become evidence of unfitness. Then comes the scripture. One of the most onerous uses of scripture is when it is aimed in ways to place burdens. Jesus eviscerated his own fellow rabbis for placing undo burdens upon the people through scripture. Like the disciples in the Gospel of Mark, we keep missing the point. We truly need a wholesale return to the basin and the towel to remind ourselves what we are doing.
Yes, churches die. But all living things die. Maybe some churches need to die with dignity so that a resurrection story fills that space. Or maybe resurrection is happening within a body that looks a bit different. Acknowledging death is not a careless act, nor is it a surrender to fate. Seeing reality and then telling the story of what it means to be the people of God is the way we can be faithful in a faithless world. I am thinking of voices that have been speaking encouragement in faithfulness recently. People like Rev. Tara Beth Leach, Rev. Kenneth Tanner, Rev. Paul Dazet, and Dr. Andrew Root have been writing and proclaiming the encouragement of faithfully reflecting Jesus by sitting with the hurting, the sorrowful, the hungry, the thirsty, the outcast, and the run over. There are a multitude of other voices as well, but many are going silent because of the onslaught of burdens.
They have pointed to the truth of a God who is present in our finitude. They point to the faithfulness of servants who wish to see their fellow servants fed. (Matt 24:45–51) They point to the faithfulness of the sheep in Matthew 25. Almost ironically, Rev. Dazet recently wrote an excellent exegesis of Matthew 25:14–30 in which he argues that the slave who buries the single talent is the faithful slave in the Kingdom of God. While that may seem a strange interpretation, it is not unique. When read in the context of the larger passage, that exegesis works. The master described in what we call the parable of the talents sounds nothing like the God as revealed in Jesus Christ. Maybe it is the connection between multiplication of wealth and faith, but the thing that has bothered me for most of my life is the description of the master, (note that Jesus does not say the kingdom of God is like here.)
But his master replied, ‘You wicked and lazy slave! You knew, did you, that I reap where I did not sow, and gather where I did not scatter? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received what was my own with interest. 28 So take the talent from him, and give it to the one with the ten talents. 29 For to all those who have, more will be given, and they will have an abundance; but from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away. 30 As for this worthless slave, throw him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ (Matt 25: 26–30)
The master sure sounds like a robber baron rather than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - much less the image of God in Christ. Reaping where one does not sow and gathering where one does not scatter is theft. Taking from those who have none is not the message of the Gospel. In fact, it is those who give to the least of these who are given eternal life.
Then the king will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; 35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? 39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family,a you did it to me. (Matt 25: 34–40)
The parable of the talents is difficult to hear when we assume the master is God. But, if we see the master as an evil master, we recognize where that master finds himself in the scene of the sheep and goats. The justice of God restores the slave thrown into darkness and reconciles the evil of the master.
Provocative? Maybe. But then, Jesus was provocative in his reflection of God.
I walk on water But I ain’t no Jesus I walk on water But only when it freezes ‘Cause I’m only human, just like you
I’ve been making my mistakes, oh if you only knew I don’t think you should believe in me the way that you do ‘Cause I’m terrified to let you down, oh If I walked on water, I would drown
(Marshall Mathers, Beyonce Gisselle Knowles, Holly B. Hafermann)